Love Only in Name, and other reflections

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

What could a man who trafficked in illusion know of love?

Practically nothing, or so it indeed seemed. Strange it seemed to Lindsey that he'd been fully prepared to propose marriage to a girl whose face now lurked only in the back of his mind; one letter from Lily had changed everything. It hadn't been flowery or dramatic, it hadn't been nearly what he wanted--needed--from her. It had, however, banished all thoughts of Renate to the corner of his mind reserved for guilt, anxiety, and other troublesome thoughts. The thought of his fallen love now consumed every waking second, and those were many. He'd lain awake for nearly each night between that day and this, and it showed in his gaunt face.

The stark figure on the street lifted out his silver pocketwatch with some agitation, shook it, and wondered if it had stopped working again. The hands hadn't moved a hair since he'd last checked. Anxiously, he held the thing to his ear and heard it ticking away merrily. Well, drat that, apparently it was in working order.

That did nothing to assuage his impatience. Every bobbing dark head coming down the street could be her, and his heart leapt accordingly at the sight of each one. Any moment, any moment she would arrive, he told himself, not without some irritation.

[Lily Clarke]

There was a stink in the air that Lily hadn't really ever noticed before. The stench of corruption and filth seemed to follow her always now...ever since that night on the deck of a ship that haunted her ever increasing nightmares. She was more fond than ever of sweet smells and flowers because they chased it away...at least for a while.

And so as Lily Clarke moved through the busy crowd she carried a small nosegay with a few blooms...geranium. Amaryllis. And jonquil. For Lindsey. It was the last one she was the most nervous about. She hoped he would understand. His affection for her was something she counted on and needed and the thought of losing it now made something cold tighten around her heart. And yet...and yet the thought of being tied and restrained by any one affection was as strange to her as another world.

Still. The moment Lily saw that familiar anxious look that Lindsey had she broke into a wide smile and her little feet skipped even faster toward him. Finally she let out a little happy cry and bounced to his side. Oh let him scoop her up in his arms! Let him kiss her!

"Darling!"

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

The illusionist brightened considerably at the sight of her, and it was almost enough to make him forget propriety, sweep her into his arms, and kiss her in the middle of the road. He did none of those things however, but did take her hand and press his lips to her gloved fingers.

"Lily," whispered Nat, "You're as radiant as ever." He smiled brightly and offered his arm, to lead her away down the street. "Now, what would you like to do this evening?" he asked conversationally, knowing that she was just as likely to defer to his decision as to actually make a suggestion.

[Lily Clarke]

"Oh, I don't know! What would you like to do?" Lily had rouged her cheeks to a merry blush and carefully covered the dark shadows under her eyes. She smiled sweetly with her reddened lips and drew close to her spark to wrap a hand around his arm. "I have the entire eventing entirely free of appointments my dear so whatever you have in mind to amuse us..." she smiled up at him but a moment later drew him close on the buys sidewalk and stood up on her tiptoes.

"Then again, if my darling was so inclined..." One of her little hands gently touched his cheek to bring his ear close to her lips so that she could whisper into it. Nobody around them could hear what she whispered but her cheeks reddened just a little bit before she lowered herself down and gazed up at him with a tiny little secret smile.

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

The illusionist coloured at her whispered suggestion, and cleared his throat quietly. "Well! Miss Clarke, while that is indeed a fine suggestion, I had thought perhaps that we might see a show or have a bite to eat."

He led his companion down the street, arm in arm, and they looked just like any other fashionable couple. Lindsey noted with satisfaction that several passers-by recognized him and tipped their hats. He returned each gesture with one of his own, or a bright grin.

It had been a fairly long time since he'd been unknown. True, now he could hardly be considered famous or renowned, but he did know a few people here and there, and felt confident that he'd be able to pull strings to get them into any venue. He knew of a lovely variety show playing at the Adelphi, and of a few smaller productions around town. The scent of success seemed heady in his nostrils, and with Lily on his arm, he felt even more confident.

As they continued along, he could no longer contain his excitement. "So, have you seen my new act?" he asked eagerly, emotion showing clearly in his flushed face.

[Lily Clarke]

For a moment Lily failed to answer. She tried to be attentive to all of her gentlemen and make them feel flattered and interesting always and while before her mind might have wandered this time it was because she was coughing softly into a embroidered hanky. After a moment she pushed the little square of cloth back into her sleeve and looked up at her taller date. She blinked a few times to clear her head with a sinking feeling. What had he said? She'd known a moment ago, but...

"Hmm? Oh, yes! Yes, of course." Better to agree with him no matter what. At any rate wherever he wanted to eat would be fine and whatever show he wanted to see would please her as well. It was nice just to be with him as well. It was strange..although Lindsey had never been her favorite he annoyed her the least. Softly as they walked along Lily slipped closer and took his hand in her smaller one.

"How have you been?" She asked softly. Her eyes followed the pattern of footsteps left by people in the rainy street. It was a strange thing for her to say. Usually all of her chatter was cheery and gay and meant to distract people from thoughts like how they were doing. But lately...she had been thinking serious thoughts....

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

"Oh!" cried Nat at the sound of her coughing. It worried him because, well, because everything worried him, even more so these days it seemed. "Lily, are you ill?" He nearly forsook propriety to lay a hand on her cheek the way his mum had used to test him for fevre when he'd been a boy. He restrained himself, but gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

[Lily Clarke]

Lily had to blink again. How very strange! The Nat of before would have been more concerned about dinner or perhaps her inattention...not that she minded of course! Gentlemen paid good money for someone who made them feel important. She reddened--which was hard because she really was very very pale--and gave her spark a little nod and a tiny smile.

"It...it's nothing, my darling. Now, we were just discussing dinner?" She returned the squeeze of his hand and leaned against him. Of course he didn't have to know it was because she was feeling a little faint.

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

((i hope you don't mind me fastforwarding!))


He pulled Lily against him out of instinct, and supported her as they made their way down the street.

Dinner was a quiet, almost mournful affair. Nat had been looking forward to seeing Lily, to hearing her laughter like silver bells and seeing her cherubic face crinkle up with joy, but this wasn't the Lily he'd been expecting to see. Her voice was soft and feeble. Her face was as young and beautiful as ever, but there was an age in her eyes that had never been there before. He found himself reaching across the table to take her hand many times, if only to have an excuse to touch her--as though if he did not, she might drift away.

Months ago, there would have been no question of where they were headed after their meal. He probably wouldn't have even stopped to consider what she'd wanted, and the evening would have ended with Nat spent and panting after a decidedly brief session of lovemaking. Now, she seemed so frail that he hesitated to even think of such a thing.

Leaving the Wellington, he took her thin ivory fingers in his own. He wished for a moment that he had the sort of broad, calloused, comforting hands that could give her some measure of stability. His hands were not the hands of a strong and capable man, they seemed to him delicate, effeminate, and it disgusted him.

"Lily," he said softly, her name was heavy as a stone in his mouth. "I know that your aim is to please me, and that is dear! But please, let me give you whatever would make you happy. Let me see you well."

[Lily Clarke]

((sorry for the delay!))

With her stomach filled with good warm food and with Nat's arm warm and comforting around her Lily did feel somewhat better already. She looked up at him and closed her eyes before opening them again slowly and taking in his dear face. How strange that out of all the men who lavished gifts on her he was so special! He really seemed to care after all...

"Why my darling, I am well." she murmured and leaned up to put a little kiss on his chin. "And you have already made me happy just with your company." She smiled and winked at him and reached to pat his cheek with her littel gloved hand. "Shall we get home to your house?" The conversation made her feel strange somehow. It was too serious. Usually they laughed and joked and sometimes even teased each other with little touches and secret looks all the way back to his house. Today it was as if her fatigue had somehow wrecked everything! She reached into her pocket and her fingers wrapped around the little bottle of red syrup she had been given. Secretly she prayed to be able to fix everything again.

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

Nat did brighten somewhat. He laughed at her cheeky wink, and with his opposite hand reached over to give hers a squeeze as she clung to his arm. "Your wish is my command, Dear Lily," he replied with a grin, and stopped a hansom to hire him home.

Once tucked away into the carriage, Nat reflected on when they'd met. He remembered her sauciness, his embarrassment, the kindness she'd showed him. He remembered the early times together, when this cab ride could not possibly have gone without scandalous incident, and he smiled a secret smile. Now, time had passed. Their relationship had less passion in it, there was something comfortable in it. Not so much the fire of desperation, but something softer and warmer and completely impossible to place. A year ago, he'd have balked at the thoughts that now danced through his mind. Now, it was a kind, forgiving feeling, and he wrapped himself in it as Lily leant against him all the way to his townhouse.

When they'd arrived, the illusionist paid the driver, sent him along his way. The action reminded him of a similar series of events outside a different home. He almost recalled pressing his lips to Renate's cheek, of entertaining the thought of writing her father. If something had been different in the air that night he could have been engaged to his assistant. Now, the only thought in his mind, as once it had been, was of Lily and her sweet cherubic face.

He unlocked the door, and showed her inside, as he had many times before.

[Lily Clarke]

All through the carriage ride Lily was silent. Before she had felt so tired and unwell she always used to amuse herself by teasing Nat on their way to his home. She'd used her teeth to pull off her glove. And then had let her tiny hand burrow into his trousers and stroke him until he doubled up in two. And oh how jolly she'd felt! Feeling him breathe hard against her neck like that. This time she just let him hold her. It was nice that way.

She didn't even feel shy anymore walking into his house. It felt as comfortable to her as any place she went to...after all he had been one of her most regular and steadiest gentlemen. Walking up the stair with him she looked around and thought about the first time she'd come here. It made her smile softly and turn to Nat.

"I thought perhaps a bath..." she drifted off and let her eyes and smile say the rest. That first night...she'd almost forgotten. He'd been so nervous! And she'd tried her best not to laugh she really had but she had laughed when he'd been so eager that he'd spilled himself into her hand!
Lily blushed at the memory and pulled Nat's arm a little snugger around her. Oh well. They worked it out well enough between them most of the time.

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

His face coloured slightly, and he gave her hand a squeeze. "Of course," he replied. "Anything."

Facing backward, he took her hands and led her up the stairs, taking each step carefully. Walking the wrong way made the staircase feel a thousand times longer. Lily felt unsteady. He wanted to lift her into his arms and carry her up, but he was not a strong man in flesh or moral fibre. He was only a man consumed by what some might call love. Nat was not so foolish. Love did not express itself in such a way, certainly not between the fallen and the aristocracy. Still, sometimes, it seemed as though there was something delicate as a snowflake that hung between Lily and him. Sometimes it seemed that she deserved God's love more than any pious wallflower with whom he'd danced at pleasure-parties in Weymouth, in Bath.

He turned on the water taps at the tub, steam rising off the surface of the water, and sprinkled in the lavender-scented bath salts, the same ones that had sat untouched in the bathroom cupboard since the last time Lily had used them. "I'll just be in the next room over, Lily-love," said the magician with a distant smile. "I've work to do. You take your time and come and get me when you wish..."

So different they two were, so strange they had become. He barely even knew himself.

[Lily Clarke]

"Work?" What work could he have? Lily looked confused after her spark for a moment but could only stammer as he left the room. How different that was! It used to be that at the prospect of her taking a bath he would be the one blushing and stammering. Even after he got used to her she would often invite him to join her and she took a certain amount of pleasure in the fun of sharing a bath with him and the little love games they played with one another.

As lily watched the tub slowly fill she scolded herself. It wasn't that strange. Slowly her little hands unbuttoned the back of her dress. Many of the men she saw were businessmen and would work while she amused herself if they were not actively enjoying her. There was one who liked nothing more than to look over his accounts while she sat bare upon his lap...how was this any different? Perhaps it was different because it was Nat. As she slipped off her dress she considered this. Next came corset cover. She thought about bothering Nat to loosen her laces--perhaps it would amuse him--but decided against it.
She'd read about him in the papers. His magic show was getting very good reviews ever since he'd unveiled that new trick of his and she reminded herself that he was probably needing to think up new illusions all the time. Finally she was standing in just her chemise and sighed as she lifted it over her head. That was all. It was just the needs of his magic. Nothing to do with her. Surely not a sign that he was tiring of her...

Lily hissed as she got into the bath. It was warm and fragrant and perfect. Almost instantly something in her felt better. She sighed and closed her eyes and didn't even notice the fatigue that took her over. She was asleep soon and the water grew cool and then cold around her.

[Nathaniel Lindsey]

In his workshop, Nat closed the door behind him, and turned the lock. Even that simple action seemed to make the chiming in his head--always present, but usually almost quiet enough to go unnoticed--rise to a deafening volume, and he hurried to the workbench against the far wall.

There, he pulled a small artifact, globular in orientation, glass and metallic in composition, from his pocket and placed it at the center of the table. Almost immediately, it hopped up with gyroscopic precision to balance upon its perfect point. It was too much, something tugged at an etheric chord in his body, or perhaps something even deeper. He grabbed the Device, swaddled it in a rag.

That was to no avail. The chiming, the ringing, the rotting, the desecration, it all spilled sideways in his head and indeed threatened to come pouring out. His hands were anxious. They had no home. More cloth, wrap the thing up, hide it away. He could bury it in the garden.

No, that would only make it worse.

He had nightmares about the Device. In his dreams the thing was inside the earth, ringing hollowly, singing its painful lullabye to the stars underground. That was the only dream he could recall on waking, and it was with a painful clarity that gave him nosebleeds and horrible head aches.

He shook the thing out of its swaddling, it deposited with the sound of a falling star, turned half a revolution, and came to rest.

The ringing died down again. It was almost inaudible, and Nat almost wondered if it was only an echo dying away. Perhaps the whole experience hadn't even been real, and he could put the Device back upon his shelf with all his other curios, and the sound would stop.

No. It would never stop. He had to do something.

It was then that Nathaniel Lindsey made the sort of decision that changes lives. He decided that he would end the whole thing, once and for all. He was going to destroy the Device.

Suddenly, as if making this decision had given him a new levity, a new illumination, he was thrown into the present as a man emerging from a fierce and icy sea. He replaced the Device to his pocket, where it certainly could do him no further ill. He was its master, after all, not the other way 'round! Recalling Lily in the next room over, he decided that perhaps he would join her after all. It had been only moments, she was likely to not even be undressed yet, after all.

-----------

He rapped softly, and hearing no answer, pushed ajar the bathroom door. "Lily-love, may I come in?" he asked brightly. At the lack of answer, he grew curious and entered anyway, only to see her a-dream in the cooled waters. In that moment, he did not even recall that he had been only moments, certainly not long enough for her to drift off, his only thought was for her welfare. He crossed the room in a few quick strides and came to rest beside the tub, where he took her hand in his.

"Lily? Lily, wake up," there was a note of the frantic in his tone, true, but then perhaps we was a bit more than mildly concerned. And he was concerned. Concerned enough to completely forget the resolution to which he had come mere minutes before.